Dear Diary
by lyonvastia
Summary: For reasons unknown, Pain orders every member in the Akatsuki to keep a diary.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer - I sadly do not own Naruto.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Dear Diary,

The others continuously taunt me about my art. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

Tobi is frequently allowed to venture off on his own...and always seems more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

Just the other day he thought it would be funny to sneak up on me and hit me in the face with a pillow.

Perhaps I should blow him up for good next time.

Well, I must be off. Hair like mine doesn't style itself.

Itachi, I hope you die. You too Sasuke.

Love,

Deidara

* * *

Listen up you piece of shit diary,

Today I killed four people. IT WAS A GOOD DAY.

But you know what I don't understand? Why everyone in this lousy organization hates me. I mean I'm an awesome dude.

Maybe they should get to know me, look past my rituals, and see I'm one hell of a guy.

Ugh. Gotta go. Fucking miser wants me to go do something for him. Fuck him.

Praise be to Jashin.

Later bitches. Hidan out.

* * *

PS. Fuck you too Leader. I hope you read this.

* * *

Dear worthless piece of parchment Pain actually wasted money on,

People I want to kill:

Kisame – His head would look nice on my wall.

Itachi – Must...resist...the urge...to kill.

Deidara – Needs to die soon. Will die soon. Probably of his own accord. *Note to self* - remember to fetch the body afterward.

Tobi – Suicidally annoying. No money to gain from his death. Will hopefully die anyway. Sooner rather than later would be nice.

Hidan – I will personally kill him myself. Immortal my ass.

Konan – Women. Too difficult to deal with. I'll let her live.

~Kakuzu

* * *

I've recently gained intel on the Hidden Leaf.

Apparently they "hangout" and do activities together. This is supposedly one of their tactics to stay on good terms. Evidently, it helps them to work together more efficiently. Must persuade Akatsuki members to "hangout" more often. I could even have them send letters of encouragement to each other so we look like a real team.

Oh the possibilities.

-Know Pain-

* * *

Hello again.

I wonder if any of them know I'm a lesbian.

Sincerely,

Konan

* * *

Apparently Pain wants us to record our feelings in this book...I'd rather not.

I wonder how Sasuke is doing. Perhaps I'll drop in on him soon. His hate should be coming along nicely by now.

In other matters, Hidan sleep walks naked.

Feeling mentally scarred,

Itachi


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary,

After accidentally blowing up the hideout for the tenth time (Tobi's fault), Pain told me I needed to see a therapist.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE. I DO NOT HAVE ANGER ISSUES HMPH.

On the other hand, it would be nice to talk to someone about my feelings once in awhile.

I've just been feeling so...melancholy.

Sasori my man. Wherever you are, be it evil heaven or puppet hell, please send me some guidance.

Dammit. Why did I even join this blasted (ha, see the pun there!) organization in the first place?

Oh that's right. THE BASTARDS FORCED ME.

Anyway, I think I'll be going. Need to relax a little. Maybe bomb a few towns.

Towns where Sharingan users happen to be.

Time to fly.

Love,

Deidara

* * *

I was so happy today when I found Pain talking to a girl clad in Akatsuki robes.

I couldn't see her face, what with her back turned to me, but none of that mattered.

She had such beautiful, silky black hair that I longed to touch.

An overwhelming urge of desire to pin her up against the wall came over me. It didn't even bother me that Pain was there. Let him watch for all I care.

But then she turned around and it was only Itachi.

Dammit. _Not again._

Sexually frustrated,

Konan

* * *

Things around the lair have been rather boring. And by boring I mean destroyed because Deidara is an idiot.

The only way to entertain myself is by going through all of his things.

I didn't know he read porn.

What's worse is that he stole it from Itachi.

What's even more horrifying is that it's gay porn.

...

Posing on the back cover is that man with the bushy eyebrows.

Someone kill me.

(^^^) Kisame

* * *

We all had the day off since our hideout is no longer with us once again.

I didn't know what to do.

Kisame suggested I get a hobby.

Hidan recommended I get laid.

I told him to shut up. He laughed.

I laughed while I tortured him for 72 hours straight.

Rather satisfied,

Itachi


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

In an effort to retain my sanity, I ditched Tobi by telling him I had to use the bathroom a few towns over.

Like a fool he believed it.

Free at last, I headed to the nearest town to do some shopping.

Needing my Akatsuki robe hemmed, I stopped to have it fitted.

The woman had her hands on me more than I liked.

As I was leaving the shop this really attractive guy tripped in front of me.

Using my ninja skills I was able to catch him and in the process spun him around towards me.

Guess who now has a date on Saturday?

Not me.

It was just really awkward.

And I am now known as the weird guy who grabs other men.

I decided to blow up the village so word wouldn't get out.

When I found Tobi again he had flowers in his hair and was spinning in circles.

Why God? Why did you let me team up with him?

Love,

Deidara

* * *

Dear stupid ass fucking diary,

While Kakuzu was out doing who knows what unholy things, I snuck into his room to mess it the fuck up.

After burning random heaps of money, (who the hell has piles of money lying around their room anyway?) I found his diary.

That bastard is such a fool. He left it right out in the open.

Okay not really. I destroyed most of his room to find it. Guess I got a little carried away there. Oh well. Can't be expected to control myself all the time. I'll just blame it on Deidara later.

Hah. I bet Kakuzu would be mortified to know I have his precious diary right now. The heathen keeps it close to him just like his precious money.

Anyway, I thought to myself, you know Hidan, you should really respect his privacy.

So of course I went and opened it.

LET ME JUST TELL YOU THIS GUY IS CREEPY AS FUCK.

Apparently he had dreams of being a wedding dress designer when he was younger.

And I guess he secretly cries every time he kills someone by accident. Like all his previous partners.

I kind of feel almost bad for the guy.

Ahaha who am I kidding. Fuck him!

Wait till he sees what I left for him.

Stupid fucking heathen.

Screw you.

Hidan.

PRAISE BE TO JASHIN!

* * *

Earlier today, Itachi and I were in the dentist office waiting room, (yes, even Akatsuki members get their teeth cleaned) and I noticed there was this small kid there who was obviously afraid of me.

Poor boy wouldn't stop staring at me.

I decided to be nice and give him a high-five.

So I walked over to him, and said, "Give me five, kid!"

He threw five dollars out of his pocket and ran out (with his mother following).

It never used to be like this.

Where did I go wrong?

I turned to Itachi, hoping he would offer words of comfort.

He didn't even look at me.

I almost cried.

(^^^) Kisame

* * *

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if me and the other Pains started a boy band.

Anway, now would be a good time to put Operation Get Akatsuki Members To Hangout into action.

Perhaps I will throw a party.

And give them the choice between going or dying.

Not to mention there will be free food.

That will be paid for out of their wallets.

Haha I am so clever.

-Pain-

* * *

Kisame seemed down after our trip to the dentist today.

I decided to make him a wonderful dinner of sole fish to cheer him up.

He walked into the kitchen with a rather creepy look on his face and said, "I'm here for your sole."

The he walked away.

Later I found him unconscious in Hidan's bathroom.

Very worried,

Itachi

*Note to self* - Always clear history after using computer or else Tobi will find accidentally find my porn websites.

Itachi stopped writing for a moment to lean back in his chair, letting out a small chuckle as he remembered the little scene from earlier. After dragging Kisame's body back into their bedroom, he walked downstairs to raid the fridge when he heard squeals and yells from the living room.

Quickly entering through the doorway, he found everyone glued to the monitor screen. Two men were touching each other as they ripped their clothes off. Itachi sighed. Their reactions were just as he predicted. Tobi covered his face screaming, "Tobi doesn't like this game!"

The corners of Deidara's mouth twitched before he broke out into a huge smile. He obviously digs penis. Hidan, (who was missing half his body?) thrashed about wildly exclaiming, "WOOO TITS!"

Kakuzu walked away, his face impassive as ever, but not before punching Hidan across the face.

Pain's face turned bright red. He opened his mouth and mumbled something Itachi couldn't quite catch, but he believed it was "boobs.." Konan mysteriously was not there. And Kisame was still passed out cold.

Shaking his head, Itachi stopped reminiscing and instead thought of his little brother.

"I wonder if he's ever watched or read porn," he mused. "Maybe I'll "drop" some off at his apartment next time I visit Konoha."


	4. Chapter 4

With almost every Akatsuki member away on missions for the next few days, Pain ordered Tobi to say behind, entrusting their current hideout in his hands, leaving the rest of them uneasy and worried. But Tobi ushered them all out the door, wearing nothing but a bright pink apron and his mask as he did so, ensuring his fellow comrades nothing would go wrong...

* * *

Dear Diary,

Sorry Tobi.

But you need to die. Immediately.

I can't believe you did this to me.

This is even worse than that time you decorated my room with naked statues of me (and Zetsu!? what the fuck!?) and said it was art.

You sick bastard.

By the way, I'm not really sorry.

Love,

Deidara

* * *

That motherfucking nonbeliever creepy ass lollipop IS GOING TO DIE.

DIVINE JUDGEMENT AWAITS YOU YOU SICK FUCK.

Motherfucking awesome Hidan is out.

* * *

Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill.

No Kakuzu. Stop. Don't let your anger control you.

You know what fuck you.

When I find Hidan...he will be begging for my mercy ahahahaha.

And Tobi.

He will suffer a fate worse than death.

He has nice choice in aprons though. But I shudder to think how much it cost.

Praise be to money.

~Kakuzu

* * *

I knew having Tobi around would be a riot.

Anyway, me and the Uchiha have been rather distant lately.

Perhaps I'll settle for having Tobi as my partner instead.

That's right Itachi. I DON'T NEED YOU.

(^^^) Kisame

* * *

I think I should resign as leader.

When no one's looking I'll take off.

I'll have to move to a new city, start a new organization with a new name!

No.

Not _again._

-Pain-

* * *

Now everyone knows my deep, horrible secret.

I've never been so embarrassed.

Mortified,

Konan

* * *

I have successfully locked Tobi in a cupboard.

I'm fully prepared to offer him up as a sacrifice to "Jashin" right here and now, but after running into Hidan naked yet again last night, it's gotten to be rather uncomfortable between us.

Instead, the time has come to trick Deidara into _actually_ killing his partner.

I'd do it myself but I don't need anymore blood on my hands.

Perhaps I could seduce young Deidara into doing it.

It's probably not necessary. But why not have some fun while I'm at it?

Feeling mischievous (and sexy),

Itachi.

* * *

**What did Tobi do? Review to find out ;)**


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